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The Ideas of March

To The Desert Independent

March 13, 2021

Windy Wilson actually had to go into the Rest of Your Life retirement home to find enough folks for an audience. He knew an important date in history was coming, and he had obligations.

“Called it The Ideas of March, you know,” Windy said to those whose wheelchairs weren’t quick enough to make the hallway.

“Now the object of their evilness on the Ideas of March was none other than Julius Caesar hisself. You know. He was so famous his face is on gold coins in old dead boats on the bottom of the ocean. And a-course you know they named a food after him, don’t ya? Thass right. We all heard of Orange Julius.

“Well, on this partic’lar Ideas of March, Ol’ Julius was s’posed to give a speech there in Rome to all them senators and tell ‘em what a great guy he was, and how great his ecumenicals was workin’ out for the middle classers and who he thought they should conquer next. But that wasn’t gonna happen, nossir, ‘cuz them senators who didn’t like him was waitin’ for him at the front door of the farm … called this here buildin’ the farm, for some reason … and they flat sicced a temper tyrannus on him, which meant they stuck daggers in him, right through his bathrobe, and he fell down.

“And while he was busy a-dyin’ he noticed one of them stabbers was his ol’ trail pard, name of Brutal. And with his dyin’ breath, Julius managed to say, “Brutal ol’ boy, don’t tell me you was in on this deal, too? But a-course he said it in Roman, so it come out more like “Et tu Buffet?”

“They used ta talk like that. But anyway, that was the Ideas of March for that year, anyhow, and ol’ Julius Caesar went on to orange juice fame and havin’ movies and plays wrote about him.

“But I still think “Et tu Buffet” would be a pretty good ol’ name for a Roman coffee shop, and you can tell ‘em I said so.”

They’d all made it to safety by that time except for one old lady whose aluminum walker had broken its leg and had to be put down.

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"Home Country" columnist Slim Randles won three regional book awards for the two books he wrote in 2014. "Saddle Up: A Cowboy Guide to Writing" won for best how-to book and best cover design at the New Mexico/Arizona Book Awards in Albuquerque. Randles lives in Albuquerque and has a dozen books currently in print.

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